head and another really long head to take up lots of space
So what am I supposed to take away from all this? I went to the convention with the purpose of thanking people for being nice to me. I did that. And I was met with even more kindness in return, real tangible expressions of it. Those faces. That smile on my face was utterly sincere when I put my arm around them to pose for a photograph. Sadly, they’ll have something to remember it by and I’ll just have my memory. But maybe that’s enough.
To remember that if a total stranger can see my worth, can look at and recognize the good in me, then who am I to take the opposite tack? Why is my opinion of me (a dark one) given more prominence than someone else’s? A third party? Someone who doesn’t have a vested interest in my own degradation?
So once again I find myself in the same exact position I started in. Being indebted to a group of people. For helping me see what I so seldom see in myself.
I’ve noticed something that’s happened to me in the past few years. And it’s unnerving. I can do any morning mirror routine—shaving, brushing my teeth, fixing my (lack of) hair—and after I’m finished, I realize that I never once looked at myself. Oh, I might have been watching, but I wasn’t seeing. I couldn’t even meet my own eyes. How tragic is that? I’ve berated myself for so long I can’t even stand to look at me, afraid of what I’ll see. What flaw I’ll focus on. What internal critique I’ll be able to give more power to.
Maybe I need to start looking at myself through the eyes of others. They’re obviously more charitable a gaze than my own.
I mean, if I tell you that I look at you and all I see are marvelous things, then how can I ask you to trust me if my own vision is so askew when looking at myself. It makes my very opinion suspect, yes?
So I’ll look at myself more through your eyes. And their eyes. Try to envision what they see, what you see, rather than the stormy visage I hold with my own sight.
I know you might not get a chance to meet your “fans.” I realize that I’m in a specific position. But you shouldn’t have to have a group of fans legitimize you or give you your self worth. Still, it can help to look at yourself through their eyes. See yourself as they see you. Look at yourself, maybe not through yourself, but through our eyes. Because maybe the eyes of others are a little more kind to yourself, a little more benevolent.
Because you, my friend, have fans. At least one you can count on.
So look at yourself through my eyes.
You might really like what you see.
I know I do.