Methinks i'd best get a move on

Dja notice how I got “meth” in there? Goddamn GENIUS!

The way I figure it

it certainly wouldn’t hurt for you to spend some quiet You Time somewhere safe, protected, and far away from this daily romantic grind that’s grinding you up. You need some pampering. Something ridiculously indulgent. Some TLC courtesy (good word) of someone who’s not going to stab you in the back—which you will be in danger of because, literally, you will have your back to me and, you know, I am crazy.

Basically, shit your boyfriends should be doing.

If you don’t make a move, I will be 100% your platonic pressure point person. You’ll be happy in the end, you just won’t have a happy ending.

Before that stupid mixup now known as The Kip Situation, you gave me the loveliest note and the funniest sentiment—something along the lines of “I should just fuck the little dumbass maybe it’s just what he needs.”

Is my offer to do the same 20% selfish? Oh, def. I’ve never really had sex (made love?) with a friend I cared so much about and I wonder what that will feel like. But my intention is to take all this—adoration, affection, attention, love?—that’s been bottled up inside for so long and put it to good use.

And that good use is you.

Offer’s good for two weeks, today to November 6. So when you text to book your appointment, just tell me if it’ll be 1 hour or 2.

Or 3.

Depending on how much angst, frustration, loneliness, rage, tenderness, hurt, affection, etc. needs to be rubbed out.

Dear God, Put A Keyboard In Front Of Me and I never shut up.

One last thing.