I’m going straight to heaven. .
A friend came over to use my internet (mask on, 6 ft away) but then he tells me something that makes my blood run cold.
In 10 minutes, a Taylor Swift love spectacular is going to come on.
He is a huge Taylor queen. LOVES her. Always tries to pitch me on her greatness. I politely acknowledge her mastery of pop songcraft and secretly wish for a band of marauding, Sabre-wielding thieves to burst into my house and slice me into a thousand unrecognizable pieces.
The next thing I know I’m numbly watching all the American Idol singers sing “We Are The World, “ their massive heads projected onto canyon walls, skyscrapers, amber waves of grain, empty stadiums, the ghost of Grand Central Station, and, finally, in the window to what looks like the house circa the Depression. And I think: whew! I’ve already bottomed out. It can’t get any worse.
Wrong. I am so wrong.
Then the screen goes dark. The lights come up. And Taylor white-dances onto the stage with black girls who deserve awards for not wearing faces that easily read, “Look at this white girl tryin to bust a move. Oh well at least I’m getting paid and she’s real nice.”
And she sings, “Me-he-heee. Who-who-whoooo” and in my head I’m screaming, “Who-who -whoo” is so cruel they are subjecting me to this aural and visual assault that I’m certain they used at both Waco and Guantanamo.
And I look to my right and see that it’s THIS guy.
My bestest friend. My bodybuilding boyfriend of six years, my ex for ten. And he’s Looking at the screen like he’s front row and singing along and swooning over this chick (in the asexual but OH SO romantic way that only gay guys can do with straight girls) and I’m thinking, “What the fuck?”
And he just keeps looking at the screen, smiling and singing, totally enraptured, and I realize something.
This is the reason i fell in love with this meathead.
And why I love him still.
So why am I going straight to heaven? Not because I put up with this ridiculousness.
But because he’ll put in a good word for me.